My Journey
One of my previous partners used to have a habit of looking at my vulva. Granted he also spent a good amount of time doing other things with her too. However, what was at first confronting to me, created a cascade of personal growth, insights and artwork. I was used to my naked body being seen by artists drawing me in life drawing class but I was always conscious to conceal my vulva for some reason. On some level I still believe that being intentionally seen there is very intimate and I have the right and responsibility to discern who is allowed and deserving to witness my sacred place.
On another level, learning about the negative gendered perspectives of life art in history, literally depicting older males perversely gawking at the female body has also impacted me. I have been an object of the male gaze without consent (not even naked) and as some may relate, it does not feel comfortable at all. Whether it is being spectated upon with lust or disgust, it still saddens me that there is much more work and reform to be done around basic attitudes of respect for the female body.
So when a male partner actually took the time to notice the nuances and truly observe my vulva and body, I was literally shocked. One day when he was just looking at her, my exact words were “what the fuck are you doing?” The answer to that question was even more powerful.
He had obviously been doing this research for some time before I had realised because what he said next was the catalyst for some of the work I do now. “I’m looking!” he said, then proceeded to tell me how my vulva resembled the petals of a flower, and that during different times in my menstrual cycle she looked different.
What the actual fuck?!
We had both been consciously tracking my cycle for contraceptive purposes (and began to discover men have cycles too!) and he described the ‘petals’ as opening during ovulation and closing during my period.
I was in awe.
I hadn’t even looked at her with such intent. How is it that someone could observe my body with more curiosity and reverence than me? This was doubly confronting to me and I became momentarily sad. Have you ever had an amazing revelation yet it was coupled with a sense of sorrow because you can’t believe that you have existed without this feeling or knowledge before? That is how I felt realising that I hadn’t even taken the time and effort to acknowledge myself in this respectful and intimate way.
Naturally this fascinated me and looking at my vulva became a regular practice during my own solo self pleasure time and during partnered sex. In fact, I discovered that looking at her and seeing my body feel pleasure was actually a new kink! To also hear a man describe my vulva visually let alone care about her experience was pretty hot I must say too. There is no bigger turn on than a partner deeply seeing you, your changes, stages, smells, colours and lovingly desiring all of you. Your body naturally responds accordingly and the juices start flowing.
My mind did have a say in this whole process though. I had grown up not looking at my vulva so initially I didn’t even know what I was looking at. The only time I had stuck a mirror down there was temporarily to see what itched or deal with an ingrown hair. Not very sacred or intentional. I also had inbuilt feelings of disgust and shame around feeling pleasure there because of a long history of secretly masturbating since I was eleven. As a child I didn’t even know what I was doing yet still felt shame for some reason.
More about that in the Shame and Taboo chapter.
From this experience I soon developed a sense of acceptance followed by a deep reverence and reciprocity with my yoni. I began to speak to her, ask how she felt, do more research and even start a jade egg practice. I also formed a strong sense of sovereignty within myself and other people's perspectives of my body no longer shaped my sense of self.
I’ve certainly tried and succeeded since then with a shit load of other personal growth and I am a huge advocate for consciously going within. Cultivating a strong self pleasure practice, even refraining from having sex with others to get closely attuned to my body’s responses to touch and my emotional needs and desires. Having, as Kim Anami would say ‘a bodacious sex life’ with myself and getting to know my body intimately has paved the way to having more self awareness and greater meaning in all my relationships.
It wasn’t until years later, and after that partnership had ended that I began painting Vulva Rosa and became inspired by many other contemporary artists as well as ancient vulva art connecting the genitals with natural forms, rituals around sexuality and tantric practices that have led me to where I am today. I’ll touch on the ancient artistic references to the vulva and nature in my [C]literature: A Short History Of Pussy Art chapter later, including other artists influenced by the sacred space. For now though, I’d like to go back in time a bit further and share more on how sexually curious I was as a child and why my mum didn’t believe me when I got my first period!
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